Drat! I hate being new at things. I had a great paragraph up here for why I had written this. And it didn’t save. Or it did, and lots of bloggers are laughing at me now. Oh well — I never claimed to be perfect — just better than most people (like any other Joss Whelan fan, right?)!
With no further ado: Motherhood
My mother lived under this microscope only she could see. And I swore when I grew up I was never going to let anyone bully me about like that. So why do I get down on myself when around me I see every Mom as Brooke Shields – while I am playing the role of Roseanne Barr? I still think Rosie would have made a great president. Just like I would make a fabulous benevolent dictator.
I still dream about being on Oprah. I don’t care if that ship has sailed and there was no room for me on the boat. Having dreams is OK. After all, I never dreamed I’d really publish a book, and now I have — twice. But I’ll never be as good as – wow – that’s a long list. I’ll never be as funny as, as wealthy as, as pretty as, as successful as, as smart as – well, maybe a smart ass – is that close? I’ve got to turn it around in my head. I’ll never be as bad as _________. I’ll never be as judgmental as – WHOOPS! Guess I need to work on that one.
I should be more Zen. Take up yoga – or maybe not. I should definitely start a blog — again. Maybe after I – ooh, something shiny!! A new Facebook game. Of course I’ll send my friend a life so they can level up and earn more great prizes. Because that’s what a good friend does. Totally. And I am a GOOD friend.
I want my friends to come to me. I think it’s totally OK to stay up playing games and chatting with Moms on FB all night because I can sleep during the day while my kid’s at school. But all that really happens is that I’m sleep deprived the next day. People still expect a Mom to function. And a stay-at-home mom – well, she’s just got all sorts of time on her hands, right? I’d love to help out with –whatever it is the caller/texter/IMmer/Facebooker wants help with. Sure, no problem. But I miss hanging out, watching movies, just getting offline for a while and doing nothing. Vegging. Being a stay-at-home mom often means working your schedule around a working mom. Which kinda defeats the point of being a SAHM, yes? But what can you do?
My son will not be almost 10 forever. And part of me thinks I should be stepping back so I don’t smother his growth. But the other 99% says the teen-age years are coming – he’s going to need me now more than ever. And the emotional roller coaster swoops down and I darn near lose my lunch and I try to have a life for myself without having any idea what that really means. And the uphill climb resumes. I hate this ride. But I love my son, and he loves this ride. So I try to hang on.
So what does my new role of motherhood, or the woman having it all, or the modern woman – what does it look like? I don’t want it to mean getting up at 5AM to work out so I can look just like Brooke Shields. I don’t want it to mean getting a “real job” so I can sit behind a desk answering telephones and playing Spider Solitaire while my son goes to after school care and we’re all exhausted when we get home at 6. I want to be part of the Mother’s Revolution that doesn’t accept life under the microscope. I want to be part of the solution that empowers women without attempting to make us sacrifice our families or become more like men. But that looks different for everybody, and I haven’t found mine yet.